Old Wounds…

Hey everyone…I have been busy with lots of things this week.  First of all, we had this impending snow storm.  So I went to the store, and then forgot something so I went again.  I probably go to the store more than most people to find the things on my Paleo menu.  But that’s okay, its “hunt and gather”.    After I got back, I was coming in the house with bags of groceries and my cell was ringing.  The school nurse called to tell me my daughter spilled soup on her hand.  Guess what she got?  A burned hand.  That’s right.  How’s that for irony?  I didn’t really appreciate it.

I was not told to pick her up.  I was told it was a small blister.  By the time she got home, it was not so small and her hand was bothering her.  Unfortunately, everyone, and I do mean everyone, had been sent home early for this “winter warning” we were under.  The school handled it as they thought they should, but I told the principal I expect more from the cafeteria.  One of the ladies on the “line” had seen it happen, asked my child if she was okay, and moved on with her day.

If you remember, I was a teacher and I understand how hectic the lunch line is; however, what I do not understand is why they would serve soup so hot my child has second degree/partial thickness burns.  This brought back memories of my burn as a child on my hand, which was my entire palm, but also of the blisters during my early Porphyria days.  Those days are locked deep down and I usually keep a lid on them.

I spent countless nights with raw flesh on my hands trying to heal from the blisters that popped.  I thought my hands would be scarred and so did everyone else.  I rarely talk about that time, but if you want to read more you can check here.  So I brought out all my old resources.  The white cotton gloves, the creams and ointments, and the hope that this would heal.  I am so very tired of old wounds splitting open.

So her wound is healing, and she is wearing the white glove everyday.  We tried to find some humor the other night by telling her about one of our favorite performers, Michael Jackson.  That did lighten the mood as we showed her a video and tried to get her to do the moonwalk.  It was pretty funny.  There is a lesson to be learned here, but I really wish someone else could carry that burden.

 

Finding the good…

I was having a conversation with my girls and I was trying to find something to say that would be worthy of great mom advice.  So often I wonder if I am giving them the right advice and then I just blurted out, well, stop dwelling on what’s wrong in this situation.  What do you like about this friend?  She went into a litany of wonderful attributes this person has.  There.  Whew.  I did it.  I passed the mom test.  Okay, I said something great and now she is focused on how good this friend is to her.  She can forgive the other issue.

Wow.  I feel like I just had an epiphany.  So often we focus on the things that bug us about others.  Not just in friendships, but in our relationships with our sweethearts too.  We feel “judged” (do not like that word).  We feel criticized.  That is more like it.  It is difficult to live up to the standard you think others have set.  I know I feel that way.  I do not like it when I feel like I am being told I should do something by someone who has not walked in my shoes.  It makes my skin crawl.  So what if instead of focusing on why this person is doing that, I focused on the nice things about them?  I know it is hard, but it makes life easier.  Give them the benefit of the doubt EVEN if you don’t think they would do the same.

You have many other alternatives, but if you want a healthy relationship with this person, take a step back and find the good.  When you have done that, you can respond.  It gives you time to assess the situation and make your life easier.

Statute of limitations…

As a parent, you sometimes have these events that happen in your children’s lives and you don’t hear about them until later.  Much later.  At that point, you have to decide what to do.  Apparently at the end of one of my child’s soccer games, where the players go to shake hands and say “good game”, a boy made his hand into a claw and raked it along my child’s arm and said “bad game”.  If she had told me right then, I would have gone over to his parents and said something.  Unfortunately, I didn’t hear about it until later.  At that point, I talked it over with my husband and we decided the moment was gone.

My child saw this boy another time and he was not very nice to her again.  He was saying things that were rude and generally trying to make my girls miserable.  I didn’t hear about what was said and what went on until I was tucking them into bed that night.  At that point, I thought it was too late so say something yet again.  I did the best I could at that time and said what I thought was good advice, if he can’t play nice with you, don’t play with him.  Period.

To be honest with you, what he did to her on the soccer field was unsportsmanlike conduct and I was floored by it.  I wish I had known then, but I had to make a judgement call and decide if I could just call this mom out of the blue and tell her what had happened.  I should have.  I really should have.  I would want to know.

The thing is, I let other people tell me to avoid conflict.  My husband doesn’t handle things the way I do, and would rather avoid talking to them altogether than deal with this.  I don’t know if saying something would have changed anything…it would have made it uncomfortable for a while.  But sometimes conflicts are needed in order to grow.  If you are always avoiding situations, things will stay the way they are.  So even though the self-imposed “statute of limitations” is over in this situation, I know I should have been a grown-up and tattled.  Where is my parenting handbook?  They forgot this section.  Sigh.

Do the hard things…

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, shh.  I didn’t really like school all that much.  I know, I became a teacher.  What kind of messed up logic is that?   I also don’t really like snakes as one bit me on my ankle as a teenager and I had to go to the hospital for blood work.  I then later volunteered at my favorite museum and learned to place my hand in a pillow case and pick up a snake without being afraid.  I am scared to death of not making it this year with the money my husband and I have, but I am taking my sabbatical anyway.  Why?  Because you must do the things you are most afraid of sometime in life.  Does this apply to everything?  No, I’m not saying it does.  Sometimes I think people take me literally.

Tonight, I did something my daughter was afraid to do.  I could read her fear, but I had to show her that it’s okay to ask questions…even the ones you are scared to ask.  I went up to the mom who just lost her daughter in a tragic event a few weeks ago.  I asked her how she was doing.  I knew that I probably said the wrong thing, but she could read the concern and the barely contained tears in my eyes.  I had a wobbly smile that was inches away from crumpling as I went up to her.  I hugged her and told her if there was anything I could do, please just let me know.  That enabled my daughter to talk to her friend who had just lost her sister without fear of saying the wrong thing.  The mother seemed truly grateful.

I know I’m going to make mistakes in life, and tragedy is horrible.  But those who truly understand you care, will be okay if you look unsure as you ask how they are doing.  I once hugged a friend who had just lost a baby and I told her I was so sorry.  She thanked me and said how strange everyone was acting…like they didn’t know what to say.  Here I am boldly hugging her in the hall.  I ask the hard questions, but if you know me, you know I mean well.  I don’t believe we are meant to suffer alone…so as my daughter heads back to school, I encouraged her to talk to her friend.  I said just be normal…don’t avoid this.  I hope you apply this to your life as well.  Do the hard things every once in a while.  Ask questions.

Motivational Monday…

Years ago, I started a “playgroup”.  What it really became, was a way to grow among diverse women.  We were not the same.  We did not look the same, or come from the same backgrounds.  We did not even come from the same countries.  I love and embrace other cultures.  The hardest thing for me to realize is that not everyone can embrace differences.  I hope that if there is one thing I can teach my children, it is to accept others for who they are.  Whatever they believe in, whoever they love, and whatever shade they happen to be.  We have a long way to go.

“It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength.”  ~Maya Angelou

Judge Judy…

I was reading this blog post from a very popular source recently on parenting.  It strikes me as funny when she says she has felt “judged” by other moms.  When I read her articles, I think she has it together.  She talked about how she always thought the worst of herself as a mom when she was out in public.  It reminded me of what I do to myself.

Somehow, I am unable to take a compliment.  I stutter thanks, but immediately point out all my imperfections and why I am not nearly as put together as I appear.  I mention things that no one really cares about, except me.  Things no one would even notice, if I would stop pointing it out.  Nice cover up.  “Well, you should see my stretch marks.”  Why in the world would anyone want to?  They are there.  Move on.  Great photo!  “Thanks.  I wish I had gotten my hair done before this picture.  It wouldn’t look like such a hot mess.”  Really?  Who are you kidding.  You hate to do your hair now…probably some trauma from the 80’s and 90’s.  Don’t look back.  Love my sunglasses?  “Oh, it’s because they are hiding the bags under my eyes.”  Why can’t you just take the compliment and run with it??

A while ago, I took a very enlightening class.  It was about creativity.  I realized I have it, but am afraid of using it.  I often feel that I will be judged if I don’t write something in just the correct manner.  If I mention things that everyone knows, but doesn’t want to accept, will it sound bad?  Once I learn to leave Judge Judy outside, in the car, or far away from me, my creativity seems to flow much better.  I also find that in those moments, I write the most amazing blog posts and people really connect with them.  I am open and honest, and able to feel the positive energy.  So, if you have been having far too many conversations with the “Judge” in you, take her away.  She needs a vacation and so do you.

What people remember about you are often things you don’t even realize you have done for them.  Not what you look like, if your house is clean, or if you lost weight recently.  Those are the things YOU worry about.

“Men in general judge more from appearances than from reality.  All men have eyes, but few have the gift of penetration.”  ~Niccolo Machiavelli

Lean on me…

Some of you might not want to hear this kind of message, so you can move along if you are looking for something uplifting tonight.  Imagine you are 4 years old and your father is in jail.  He came at your mom with a knife…well, he actually wounded her.  In the neck.  I have 3 more stories like this, but each gets worse.  So I want you to look at this:

I wish that man had given this speech to the parents of the children I taught this year.  I wish he had told them that they were demoted and he was in charge.  From now on they had to do what he said.  The majority of my motivational posts this year were to help me work through some of the things I so often would like to say, but can’t.  I have worked with many families over the years.  Some of them requesting me for siblings, some of them wishing they didn’t have someone like me telling them the truth.  In the end, the majority of them seem to understand that what I do, I do for their children, not for them.  This year was one of the hardest classes I have ever taught because of the lack of parental guidance.  There were a few parents who cared, but most seemed unaware I existed.  Manners seem to be a thing of the past.  Not in my room.  I teach social skills, manners and politeness.  So my tiny friends who have witnessed so much in so little time, please remember what you learned.  To my little helper, I am counting on you not to be a gangster when you grow up.  Please don’t break my heart for you have so much potential and will do great things.  To my angry child, thank you for hugging me when you were mad.  Remember to use your words.  Lastly, to the family I have been part of for two years, your mom is watching over you.  She hopes you know that.  It is time for all of us to move on.  Including me.

“Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.”  ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Contentment…

A state of happiness and satisfaction.  Do you have that in your life?  I mean it.  Right now, take stock of what’s important to you, and see if you can find contentment.  If the answer is no, what’s holding you back?  I know what’s missing from my life, and it’s not really missing.  I can change it.  So I can be content.  I will be content.  Most people have problems living in the “now”.  I will give you an example.  I went to dinner with my family last night…it really was like the Olive Garden commercial as we were one big happy family.  My brother, his daughter, my parents, my husband and my girls.  I had everything I needed right there.  I was content.  Wine was flowing, the meal was great, and I love seeing my family.

The spell was broken later when my husband decided he needed to make a comment using what I call his “ass-hat voice”.  I am not ashamed to tell you this, because maybe you too suffer from a case of “ass-hat voice”.  You see, he was worried about something that might happen.  And he made him all angry and ridiculous sounding.  I told him that tomorrow would take care of itself and I wish he would have handled it differently.  What we fail to listen to time and time again is the thought of what we have the power to change and what is out of our control.  This might be a newsflash, but as of yet, we do NOT have the ability to control the weather.  That I know of.  Sometimes it is best to just wait, and that was my point.

So, the next time you are feeling content, and some random thought comes into your mind that you have no control of, push it away.  Think instead of what you have the power to control and what is trying to control you.  You will be able to grasp the feeling of contentment much better this way.

“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”  ~Grenville Kleiser

Motivational Monday…

Some people can write one thing, it goes viral, and bam!  They are writing books.  I keep plugging away hoping I am going to be that person.  I am actually talking about this post I read on the “worst end of school year mom ever”.  I shared it on my FB page and then I started thinking about how hard it is to be a teacher, and try to get through these last 14 days.  She mentions they are limping across the finish line, does she realize what it is like to teach 18 other people’s children all day long, everyday, and then have to go home and try to use these tactics on your own children?  At this point, you are like, I don’t know how to do that math problem, find the calculator.  You aren’t going to use that later anyway.  Or this one, your sister is better at math than I am, she can check it.  Then there was teacher appreciation week.  Not to sound umm bitter, because I am not, but I got a list, a LIST from my child’s school on what to send in each day.  I got a hug.  It was a nice hug, and I loved it.  It was all mine.  I got compliments.  I get them everyday, and I do feel loved by my class.  The parents didn’t get a list, so it must have slipped all of their minds this year.  Totally fine.

Then she talks about putting together a costume for her child.  I had to put together a parent day.  In the heat.  As it turns out, I got vertigo and was throwing up.  All the other members of my team were outside with all of our kids running around.  One teacher assistant even went in with a sore throat that turned out to be strep throat.  So forgive me, but we don’t do this because we are really getting a kick out of this these last few weeks.  My own child came home after state-wide testing and I was like, yayyyyy, no homework.  Then she said her teacher was teaching her new math, and even I was like what the what???  Please woman.

So how does this fit in with motivation?  Anything worth doing, is worth doing right.  You have to dig your heels in, and run that last mile.  Or walk.  Or limp.  Or be carried by your friends.  Whatever works for you to see it through.  I am being wheeled in, but at least I am crossing the line.

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”  ~Theodore Roosevelt

“Everybody” is going…

But Mooooom, everybody will be there.  That’s nice dear.  Grumpy look from under the hair.  I don’t like it when I get my feelings hurt because everybody is talking about how much fun they had.  Look, it’s time you realize something.  There is no one you have to impress but yourself.  It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing, we have a prior obligation.  You know what that means.  We have a responsibility.  Sometimes, you just don’t get to do what you want to do.

I am reminded, yet again, of the research that Search Institute started when it released the 40 Developmental Assets your child needs by the time they enter college.  We need to work to expand those assets in young people, but the truth is, most people find it difficult to give clear and concise boundaries.  The research breaks it down for you and explains what your child needs at each age grouping.  On the left side of this website, it shows you in a drop down menu.

I was checking the one for my children, ages 8-12, just as a reference, and I think we have the external assets covered.  The internal assets are where I think my child occasionally struggles; however, I know that if I have set up the right amount of external influences in a positive way, my child will gain confidence internally.  Does this make sense?  So, to make a long story short, it is okay to say no.  It is okay to set boundaries.  It is okay to ask your child questions about their day, each and every day, and help them on the road to success.  It is not okay to make excuses for them.  Help them learn the right way, and by the time high school peer pressure comes around, you will know you have done the best you can.  But keep asking those questions, and setting those boundaries.  Good job parents.

“Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures.”  ~Edwin Louis Cole